SOLDIERX.COM Nobody Can Stop Information Insemination

Some may consider this a half-assed guide to fixing computers. I consider it logic.
These are the questions I ask myself every time I look at a broke computer (obviously I don't answer myself...
most of the time):

Does the system power on?
  DID YOU PLUG IN ALL THE WIRES RIGHT?
  Do You See Lights On The Front?
  Do you see lights on the back?
  Do you see error code lights?
    Did you research them with the manufacturer?
  Do the fans spin?
    Do the fans continue to spin?
  Does the CD drive light blink?
    Does the CD drive open?
      Did you pull out the CD in the drive and try again?
  Do the keyboard lights flash / stay on / blink once?
  Did you change the power supply?
  Do you get monitor output?
    Are errors displayed?
      Did you google those errors?
  Do you get speaker output?
  Do you get a BIOS boot beep?
  Do you hear continued beeps coming from inside your case?
    Did you google the beep code?  ex: 3.4.3.1
  Do you hear the windows theme booting through speakers?
  Do you see the full system boot up and display windows?
    Yes, but then it freezes.
      When it freezes, do you still have control of your mouse?
        Have you backed up your data?
      Are you still able to change the caps lock and numlock on your keyboard?
      Did you wait 5 minutes and try again?
      Did you press caps lock or numlock three times and then wait five minutes to see if they changed?
      Did you hold down the power button for 5-10 seconds until the power went off on your computer, and then reboot it?
      Did you remove the power plug?
        Did you remove the (laptop) battery?
        Did you remove the Uninterruptable Power Supply?
      Have you tested your RAM?
        Have you tested your RAM for over 24 hours?
        Have you pulled out your RAM, one stick at a time and tested it again with each stick individually?
      Have you dusted the inside of your computer (laptops need love too)?
        Do you see any swolen or blown capacitors on any of your components?
      Have you changed out your power supply?Have you run a test of your hard drive (could kill it)?
      Have you removed any extraneous cards from the system one at a time (audio, modem, pci, pci express, etc.)?
      Have you tried to boot from a mini-pe style disk?
      Have you tried to boot from a linux live disk?
        Have you pulled your hard drive to another computer, slaved it to it (or connected through USB enclosure, eew) 
        and checked to see that your drive was accessible both through device manager, through Disk Management, and 
        through My Computer?
      Did you take the opportunity to back up your data while it was connected to that other computer, or while your 
      computer was accessible through the live CD?
        Why not?
    Do you see "System Idle Process" running at ~99% CPU usage under the task manager > process?
      Have you backed up your data?
      Have you tested your hard drive?
    Do you have a runaway process eating all your cpus?
      Did you google that process *.exe?
        Why not?
    Have you checked to see if upgrading your RAM will help by looking under the task manager > performance > physical 
    memory > available, and making sure the number of available kb is over 100,000? 
      Have you upgraded your RAM?
        Why not?
    Have you updated your windows drivers from the most recent list found on the manufacturer's website?
    Can you pinpoint the date your computer slowed down?
      Have you run through the system restore to restore it back to that date?
        Why not?
    Is your computer infected by a virus?
      Have you backed up your data?
        Have you run combofix?
        Have you run through http://www.soldierx.com/tutorials/Malware-Removal-Guide ?
      Have you backed up your data?

    Have you removed any programs you recently added to your computer?
    Have you updated any security program by re-downloading the full program from the manufacturer's website and 
    reinstalling it?
    Have you removed any security program by uninstalling it, and then running the provided antivirus removal tool from 
    the manufacturer's website?


Have you backed up your data?
Have you google'd the error code?
Have you sifted through the forums available?
Have you asked your 'gifted' friends for advice?
Did you take their advice?
WHY?!?!?!?  OMG, THEY'RE RETARDS!!
LOL, JK, It's late.

Have you given up and run through your system recovery disks?
  Have you borrowed a friend's system recovery disks, making sure to match XP Home, to XP Home, etc, (I like Dell) and 
  activated windows using your own 25-digit alpha-numeric key found on your windows xp license sticker attached to your 
  computer?

Do you have a working computer?
WTF WHY NOT?!?!?