Amp Blasts: Nintendo

Notice: The following is a humor piece (partially based on my real opinions, but tuned up to AVGN levels of what the hell) and as always, the SX usage policy applies.

I know that the title of this alone is going to cause some rage with some people and I can see how. I myself have great memories of the NES and SNES. Both of these are great consoles. However, the reality is that the Nintendo that I knew and loved is dead. Today, I will explain why I feel this way.

The first major misstep happened in the fifth generation of game consoles with the N64. The reality is that partnering with SGI was a bad idea as they never did real-time graphics and the console's hardware limitations along with the complexity of developing games made it problematic. Add to it that a large portion of the games were pure and utter shit (Superman 64 being the most well known, but there are plenty of other games that outright sucked) and many of them featured some of the worst soundtracks I have ever heard in gaming history. The biggest beef I have is that people try to hail Goldeneye as ground breaking when the reality is that it was a slow, choppy, piece of shit with crap controls that was saved only by it's auto-aiming. (Also, people like iJustine's stupid ass in a shitty mentalfloss video, need to stop saying that it was the first game with multiplayer deathmatch as Doom had it years earlier!) The amount of good games for the N64 were few and far in between, something that would be true for all non-handheld consoles for them from that point forward.

Then we have the Gamecube, which began a new fucked up cocklust from Nintendo themselves. Rather than use DVD or follow any standards so that they could maybe offer playback and make their consoles more marketable, they start using proprietary formats. These formats in question did not stop game piracy and emulation. Also, the console sold less than the fucking Dreamcast, and Sega left the console market cause of the losses after that console. The reality was that the handheld consoles, with an emphasis of the Pokemon franchise, saved Nintendo from themselves.

Then we have the Wii. I talked before in 2010 about the stupidass wii-motes requiring batteries when the company was the first to use a rechargeable battery in it's handheld consoles and the retarded requirement of using said wii-mote just to use the fucking main menu. As time showed though, this console would be the ultimate in having shovelware and missing the mark. While I could see why they didn't go for the high def market at that point, the lack of good unique games aside from Sin and Punishment 2 (which I will admit to being a legit fan of) shows the console to be an unmitigated piece of shit. Also, for those about to mention emulation, that's a load of shit cause we have something magical called modern PCs where we can typically hook them up to TVs via a simple HDMI cable and these emulators are typically more accurate.

Then we have the Nintendo DS, which had a unique capability. It had the capability of having a price that never going down. In fact, the original DS was at $150, and the DSi was at $170, so the price of it actually went up. The reality is that the price going up was a load of horseshit and used tech that didn't merit such a cost in the final years of it's lifespan. While it had some games, the 3D graphics and touchscreen were half baked. As for the 3DS, it's a overpriced piece of shit that is easily overtaken by a fucking iPhone any day of the week in terms of graphical quality and game quality so if they want me to buy one, I will only do so if I can buy it new for $100 as it's all the hardware is worth when compared to most modern smartphones and tablets.

Last, but definitely not least is the WiiU. Nintendo had a launch of a full year before Sony and Microsoft. They had the opportunity to break the glass ceiling for the HD market. They also had the franchises and opportunity to finally make a good solution for online gameplay. Then they failed to deliver spectacularly.

The console uses an aging power architecture, which the last gaming generation proved to be difficult to develop for and with it being a triple-core processor at 1.24 ghz along with using a similar architecture to a Apple G3 CPU, is old and has been long surpassed by better CPU architectures. The GPU itself is several generations behind the other two's offerings, but was servicable. However, more wireless bullshit has been inflicted courtesy of a halfassed touchscreen that only does single touch. Most of all, it has nothing worthwhile in terms of games to play except for Earthbound, a freakin SNES game. (Crap Zelda HD re-releases don't count!) Last, but certainly not least, a proprietary optical disc standard so the console loses the marketability of being able to play movies. The WiiU is $250, but the reality is that somebody would have to give me one to convince me to even play it cause it has nothing of value in it.

The reality is that the Nintendo that I knew from my childhood is dead. This company that I see before me should not be called Nintendo. Instead, they deserve the name of Newtardo. Gone are the wide range of quality games on a good console. Now we face stupid gimmick after stupid gimmick and the result is that many people aren't buying. If they want to get back on track, stop the bullshit gimmicks and go back to fucking fundamentals.