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Ah, the 80's, where action movies seemed to be crawling out of the woodwork and onto our movie screens. Some of the biggest action franchises from the last 30 years started out in the eighties. Lethal Weapon, Beverly Hills Cop, Die Hard, Indiana Jones, and unfortunately, Rambo. Now there have been multiple rants on the naming of the movies and how they generally don't make any fucking sense (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEVzPCY2T-g). But for the purposes of this rant I will only be focusing in on the worst of the original three, the aptly titled Rambo III.

The movie starts out with Rambo's only friend, Col. Sam, tracking him down to a dirty warehouse where he's taken up stick fighting to earn money for a local village in what appears to be India or some fucking place like that. Anyways, they come to him and ask him to help get the Russians out of Afghanistan by joining the rebels and teaching them to fight back. He refuses wanting to live a life of peace, and this makes Sam decide to go in his place and predictably gets his ass captured and pwn'd by those sneaky fucking Russians. So, of course when Rambo learns of this he decides he's finally going to help out and he becomes Super Rambo from this point on.

One of the first things you notice while you watch this movie, Rambo is literally invincible. Now, I don't know if the Russians are just bad shots or what, but not one of them can fucking hit him for anything! The first major instance of this comes a little under halfway through the movie when the Russians attack the rebel camp where he's staying at. In this scene he is able to out run bullets while running up hill, dodge air to ground missiles and blow up a helicopter mere feet from where he's standing. He does all this, and not a single scratch on him. WHAT THE FUCK!?

The next instance of this happening starts a little under an hour into the movie and continues for some time. In this scene him and a kid from the rebel camp sneak onto the Russian military base and proceed to break everyone out of jail. Well, everyone except for the one person who he was there to save in the first place! Anyways, he somehow does this while dodging enemy gunfire, bending fucking steel, and setting up C4 to cover their escape route. Now the thing that really blows my fucking mind at this point is that he doesn't get hit by a single bullet, but he somehow gets hurt by a piece of wood? Yeah, you heard me, a piece of FUCKING WOOD!! This leads up to the scene that just fucking blows my mind, I mean, just wow, they had to fucking go there.

The scene I'm talking about is at one hour and eight minutes into the movie. If you have the movie, please stop reading now and go watch this scene, I'll wait...............

OK, for those who don't have the DVD, here's what happens. There is a big fucking splinter in Rambo's side, and he's hurting bad (yeah, like I'm really going to believe that shit Mr. Rambo Bullet-dodger), so he does the following to "fix" himself up in the field. He uses his thumb to push this piece of wood out of his side, he then opens a bullet and pours the black powder into his gaping wound, seriously I'm not fucking around here people, this shit is in there. The biggest piece of horseshit comes next. He picks up a lit twig from his camp fire and lights the powder causing it to shoot out of both sides of the wound and after that he's cured! No after effects from this whatsoever. He never even notices the rest of the movie. Seriously.......WHAT THE FUCK!!!

At this point, like with Earthsea, alcohol is needed to keep me fucking sane from all this shit. The rest of the movie involves him going head to head with a tank and another fucking helicopter. He even survives a point blank hit while sitting in a tank, and he still doesn't get a fucking scratch on him! It's like he's fucking indestructible. Fuck sending all our soldiers over there, let's send the amazing Rambo! So the movie ends with him saving the fucking day, all woo-hoo and shit, and we don't hear from him again for another twenty years. At least with that one it seemed a bit more grounded than this pile of festering dog snot.

So that's Rambo III in a nutshell. Rambo has evolved from the broken spirit and lost soldier in First Blood to the unstoppable war machine we see before us in Rambo III. This movie makes no fucking sense what-so-ever! It's like Sly got his franchises mixed up when writing this fucking movie and he was thinking he was writing a fucking Rocky movie with as many times he was going head to head with shit. "Hey yo, I was thinkin maybe he could kick this helicopters scrawny ass all around the mountain and then Apollo would come back screamin, 'You da champ!'". I don't know, that's one theory that could explain for this fucking waste of time.

For now, if you have to watch one of these movies, stick with First Blood. The body count is nonexistent, but at least it's fucking believable! Even better, check out Weird Al's movie UHF, it has the best parody of this movie towards the end. Or if you want to watch some shit like this, go get a copy of Hot Shots Part Deux because it's almost the same fucking movie only done in a much better way! FUCK THIS MOVIE!

Just stay the fuck away from this movie, I'm out!

-Azrael

*Disclaimer*I write these late at night, so until about mid afternoon after the first posting there may be some errors. If these bother you, then go eat a dick, I'm fucking tired. - Azrael