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::Originally published in September 2008::

What do you get when you take a little Harry Potter, add a dash of Tolkien and throw in a ton of shit? The Sci Fi movie event: Earthsea! Yes, from the same people who would later on bring you such classics as Highlander: The Source (I'll rant on that one once I can finally make it through that glorious cluster-fuck of a movie) and Dracula 3000 (I'm not going to even comment on that piss poor excuse of a vampire movie), comes Earthsea.

For those of you who don't know, Earthsea is actually loosely based on two of three stories by Ursula K. Le Guin that make up the Earthsea Trilogy, and boy did Sci Fi fuck them up royally. Some of the things that the "brilliant" minds at the studio decided to change were only minor really, they only, um CHANGED THEIR FUCKING RACE!!

In the stories that involved Ged, the main character in this movie, Le Guin clearly describes him as a young black man. And it's not just him that they did this to, oh no, they do it to all the fucking characters! The main character in the book suddenly turns from a strong black man into fucking Iceman from the X-Men movies, and holy fuck is he a whiner throughout the entire movie. Also another fuck-up that I am obliged to mention is that they don't even try to explain away is why they reversed his names in the movie! In the book his known name is Sparrowhawk and his "true" name is Ged.

WHAT THE FUCK SCI FI?!

That's like saying, "Fuck it, I hate the name Frodo. I know, let's call him Frank!" Seriously, what the fuck people......

Another thing that pisses me off while watching this steaming pile of a movie is that they don't even try to hide the fact that they're trying to rip-off the successes of the Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter movies.

The scene where it finally fucking hits you like a rock shooting out of the bottom of a lawn mower is when Ged is first touring the school and they arrive in the "lunch room." Watching this scene you realize that they're blatantly ripping off Harry Potter! A room full of wizards eating lunch or some shit, all practicing magic to show off to all of their friends.

FUCK!!!

At this point my brain is fucking screaming from this bullshit and I have to take a break.

So finally after my brain calms down with promises of alcohol later to numb it from all the pain, I go back to the shit fest. And oh boy, it gets deeper from here people...

The rest of the movie basically goes like this:

Ged and the Malfoy-wannabe have a duel to see who is the most powerful (this actually happens in the book, so I can't fault them for this) and he ends up conjuring up the dead which he tries to fight and gets his ass pwn'd. He's sent away from the school and wanders around looking for the fucking thing he let loose. He ends up meeting his friend from school and they go off together and have a quest to destroy the great evil! At this point my brain attacks the rest of my body for putting it through this torture and I have to start with the alcohol asap. Also somewhere wrapped up in this complex-as-fuck storyline is a group of nuns featuring Lana Lang from Smallville and the naked chick from Death Becomes Her and a King who is trying to conquer the world (now that's fucking original!).

At this point I give in to the idea of the sweet release of death because trying to juggle these three different story lines is killing more braincells than the fucking alcohol!

In the end good prevails while his friend dies and blah, blah, bullshit, blah. Honestly, I have no real idea what the outcome of the movie was other than the three story lines converged and created this great plot cluster fuck and I got lost.

Now there's one thing that I tell people over and over again when dealing with 'book to movie' types of films: They will fuck up your favorite story and make you fucking hate it! Honestly, it's not that fucking hard of a concept to adapt a book to a movie because the script is right there in fucking front of you! It's almost like the screenwriters are thinking, "Hm, how will this character get past the main obstacle?"

Ya know what asshole, READ THE FUCKING BOOK, IT TELLS YOU RIGHT IN IT FOR FUCKS SAKE AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE NEW SHIT UP!

Enough of this tangent for now, I will come back to it when I thoroughly blast Queen of the Damned.

For now, stay the fuck away from Earthsea!

-Azrael