Van Helsing = EPIC FAIL!!!

Well, another year has come and gone, and there are still a ton of movies left for me to hate on. Yes I do know that it has been a while since I've posted on here, but I'm back and ready to open up the proverbial can of whoop ass on some horrible pieces of shit. And today's movie is exactly that, a piece of dog shit that has been covered up in CGI and the names of some classic horror icons.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you....


One of the first things that one can't help but notice is that the beginning of the movie is entirely in black and white, whether it's to throw it back to the original movies or just to cover up the horrible shit this movie is, it's hard to tell. But I do have to give them credit for actually recreating the look of the original Dr. Frankenstein lab. But all that nostalgia for the original 1931 classic is gone the minute that they start to screw it all up by inserting Dracula into the scene.

That's right people, fucking Dracula is in Castle Frankenstein the same moment that the monster is created.

Moving on....

You learn that Dracula is the one who paid for Frankenstein experiments to create the monster and for some reason Dracula and his brides plan on using the monster for some nefarious deed. Frankenstein protests and then we get a show of how much CGI we'll actually see in this when Dracula impales himself on a sword to get to the Doctor to bit his neck and kill him. Yes, they really did go there......

Next we cut to the famous scene of the Monster holding his dead father in his arms atop a burning windmill. It's at this moment that we get the level of acting we can expect for the rest of the movie...Frankenstein's Monster screaming "WHY?" even more unconvincingly that Vader's "NO!" at the end of Episode III.

Cut to Paris where we meet the title character for this turd of a movie, who happens to be hunting down Mr. Hyde. After the two argue and fight Van Helsing accidentally kills Mr. Hyde by throwing him out a window. Cut to Van Helsing who is going Vatican City to get his next assignment. That's right, he's a Catholic Bond. After arguing with a Cardinal about being wanted around Europe and then there is a mention about him having no memory of his past (remember this later on kiddies, it's important) They take him downstairs where you see the Q Lab, I mean a bunch of friars, monks and other people working on inventions to help Van Helsing and other Bonds of the Catholic church. This is where we learn that they're sending him after Dracula because of the Valerious family that vowed never to enter heaven until they killed him are almost extinct, and they want Van Helsing to help them finally kill him and let the family that is passed on finally enter heaven.

Awww, this movie has heart.......too bad it's located in the ass end of a horse..

Anyways, we learn that somehow Van Helsing's past is tied up with Dracula (ominous music ensues) and we move on to Q, er I mean Carl, giving Van Helsing his equipment needed for the assignment. These gadgets include an automatic crossbow, concentrated sunlight in a jar (remember this one too kiddies), garlic and crosses. This scene ends a little odd with Friar Carl cursing when he learns that he is going with Van Helsing to Transylvania and saying that he can still curse because he's not a monk yet. Hmm, I know I'm a bad Catholic, but I'm pretty sure even friars can't curse......this just tells me how bad this is going to be....

Next we're given a scene showing the last two surviving members of the Valerious family are hunting down the Wolfman. Yes, yet another Universal monster has been dragged kicking and screaming into this orgy of filth. He we see them trying to trap him and then shoot him using silver bullets. However this turns into and EPIC FAIL and the brother ends up being dragged off a cliff by the Wolfman to his seeming death. Then it's another quick cut to Van Helsing and Carl as they walking into a village in Transylvania and the entire population comes out to see the pair. Here we get a strange scene where a man wearing a black top hat is measuring them up for coffins since it seems visitors do not last long. This is quickly followed by the brides swooping in and attacking the village to get to the last surviving Valerious, Anna, so the vampires can start to finish their plan. As to why they couldn't do this before while the family was going after the Wolfman, I have no fucking clue. But anyways, together Anna and Van Helsing help repel the attack by killing one of the brides and the village is pissed because instead of the vampires killing for food they're going to do it for revenge.


Next we see Dracula waking up and screaming for his lost bride with even less passion that the Monster's "WHY?" at the beginning of the movie. Next we're treated with a horrible walk waking scene why Dracula goes on and on about how he has no feelings and how he is "hollow".

Aww. WHO THE FUCK CARES! At this point I'm done with pointing out all the minor bullshit and I'm just going to summarize the rest of this shit fest.

After this we get another scene of the Wolfman, only this time he's breaking into the Valerious mansion and reveals that he's actually Anna's brother who we all thought was dead. He tells her that Dracula is looking for something but is interrupted by transforming back into the Wolfman and runs out of the castle with Van Bad-Ass hot on his heels. Anna stops him from killing her brother and they quickly decide that they need to take off after him.

Guess what......another cut to.................Castle Frankenstein?!

Yep, Dracula and his bitches are hiding out in the castle where it's revealed that they're the ones who have the Wolfman under their control. We also learn that the werewolf that they were hunting at the beginning of the movie was actually their father. Yep, they're keeping it all in the family people......anyways, we cut to another scene where the awesome duo storm the Castle and see thousands of vamp babies.

Yes people, you read right, they actually fucking went there. Vampire babies, we're talkin vamp sex and they really fucking went there.....

We soon learn that the entire reason they wanted the Monster was to generate the power to wake up the 'Lil bastards and almost succeed by using Velkan instead. After this a fight ensues and Dracula and Van Helsing have a little chat about their past and we learn that a stake and a holy cross have no effect on Dracula. When all hell breaks loose Anna and Van Helsing escape and find the Monster hiding in a cave under the Castle, during this heart warming scene Anna talks about killing the Monster but Van Helsing finally talks her into taking him back to the Vatican for safe keeping. After this they pick up Carl and take off towards Vatican City with two bitches, a mongoloid and the fucking dog hot on their heels. During this "high speed" chase the two undead bitches cause the carriage to go off a cliff and it explodes in ball of fury.

The End.....not even close.......

We learn that one of them was a decoy and as it hits the bottom it explodes sending stakes into the air. And then there was one.....

However, the real carriage doesn't go unnoticed and another fight ensues with the dog setting it on fire. During this chase Van Helsing goes fucking Old Yeller on the big fucking dog and puts it out of it's misery. Van Helsing finds out that he was bitten and will turn into a werewolf sometime soon, and while all this is going on Anna is kidnapped by the last remaining undead bitch who wants to bargain with her for the return of the Monster.

While the all this is going on the remaining three decide what their options are and before the Monster can take off Van Helsing knocks his ass out and tries to hide him in a tomb so he and Carl go take off to Dracula's summer home for the annual ball.


Van Helsing saves Anna from becoming the next undead bitch bride and they think they've gotten away scott free, but they soon find out that they're uber fucked when Dracula's Undead Army attacks and shows that they've taken the Monster and come to attack the remaining three. However they're quickly stopped when they use the "sun bomb" that Carl had created which kills the entire Army, but Dracula and the Monster are gone.

Going back to the Valerious mansion, they bring together all the details like a fucked up Scooby gang, and determine that a werewolf is the only thing that can kill Dracula (damn isn't that a coincidence that Van Helsing just so happens to have been bitten by one?) and that he was killed 400 years ago. Oh, and something about him being Anna's great uncle.....but I digress, they soon discover the entrance to Castle Dracula hidden in one of her father's old maps and the three take off into the painting.

Inside the castle they find the Monster who explains that Dracula has a werewolf cure, but it only works before the stroke of midnight or some shit like that. Anyways, they capture Igor and force him to take them to the cure where they are attacked by Dracula's remaining bitch bride. Carl takes off with the cure to give it to Van Helsing, but is stopped when Igor attacks him with some kind of tazer. Van Helsing frees the Monster, but not before the Lil bastards are brought to life and Dracula morphs into a giant demon bat. Not to be outdone, Van Helsing transforms into a werewolf and they both go fucking Underworld on each other. While this is going on the Monster is knocked off a tower but is somehow rappelled down a wire where he knocks Igor off a cliff by running into him and distracts the bitch bride and allows Anna some time to escape. But this doesn't last long as she's back on the attack and Anna, thanks to a helpful stake from Carl, impales the bitch on a stake.

And then there were none........

About this time the moon gets covered up and Van Helsing transforms back and Dracula gives this long winded speech about how Van Helsing was the one who killed him 400 years ago and that he is the Left Hand of God, hence the name Gabriel (and trust me I am going to say something about this, but all good things must wait...) and tries to convince Van Helsing into joining forces. Van Helsing refuses and transforms back as the moon uncovers and bites the fucker on the neck spelling the end for poor old Drac and all the little bastards. While still in wolf form he attacks Anna who is trying to give him the cure. She succeeds in giving it to him but fails to stay alive and the movie ends with scenes of her being cremated by the ocean, Van Helsing and Carl heading off back to Rome and the Monster rowing off somewhere unknown.

And I mean it this time when I say, THE FUCKING END...

So, what does this movie teach us? FUCKING NOTHING! This movie is like a Christmas present filled with nothing but diarrhea. It looks nice on the outside and lures you in with the promise of bringing you something good, but when you get into it, there's shit everywhere and you don't know what to do. The fucking Monster Squad was an epic fucking masterpiece compared to this shit. The acting in this movie was a fucking mess and makes the acting in Episode III Academy Award eligible, and we all know how terrible that was. From the under acting and unemotional dialog to the over-done CGI effects, this movie was a waste of money and an even bigger waste of my fucking time. I think one of the worst things in this movie is the character of Van Helsing himself. Instead of going with the classic character of Abraham Van Helsing, they went with his younger brother Gabriel. Yes, you read right, his YOUNGER brother! How in the fuck can a movie contradict itself that badly when everything they released to the press states that it's his younger brother, but then they go on and tell you later in the movie that he's actually over 400 years old?! That's like someone going on and on about how good an apple they have is and how juicy and red it is, and then when they finally give it to you it's a fucking orange!!

This movie is a fucking mess of a monster movie and an even poorer excuse for an action movie. Trust me when I tell you to stay the fuck away from this god awful piece of shit.